Read the beginning to my fantasy novel? Please!! ;) Let me know what you think.?

I need to get an idea on how my writing comes across to others. I would greatly appreciate any feedback, as I have to yet to let anyone read my work. I have taught myself over the last two years, so I know there will be small mistakes.



This is the beginning to the first chapter of four planned books I hope to write. Please let me know what you think!! Honestly!!



CHAPTER ONE -- BALION





The rain was constant.

What had started a day of clear skies and singing birds had turned out to be a dreary, rain soaked afternoon, with rolling black cloud endless in every direction. There was enough light to be able to distinguish day from night, but if he didn’t already know better, Balion would have said the dark of night would soon be upon him.

Balion walked at ease through the city streets, paying no mind to the puddles underfoot as he made his way home. When the rain had first started Balion briefly considered whether to erect a shield to keep himself dry. He had seen the gifted who study at the Hall walk around thus, dry and comfortable, while everyone else scattered in a vain attempt to evade the persistent drops of rain.

However, with his granddad dismissing the very logical arguments Balion had put forward, he had no choice but to suffer the same fate as those around him, and get soaked.

Although he silently cursed his granddad for his stubborn ways, Balion was actually in agreement. It would only be the cause of unwanted attention. And that was the last thing he wanted. He already got odd looks from the more observant people he passed. Their eyes first drawn to the band of gold around his finger, then to him in person.

Like all other gifted it was compulsory for him to wear the ring, signalling to the world at large he had the Gift and was being taught its uses. He was only thankful that he didn’t attend the Hall, and be made to wear those ridiculous robes he often saw the students march around in.

Completely soaked through, tired and hungry, Balion nevertheless had a smile playing across his features. No matter the discomfort he felt at the moment, Balion was jubilant. The day had been a great success as far as he was concerned. The only problem now would be convincing his granddad it was so.

As Balion walked on, he debated with himself whether he should discuss with his granddad what he had learned. The only problem was knowing Julian would be unhappy, at least to begin with. He constantly reminded Balion to stay away from his pain barrier. Yes, he would certainly be unhappy.

Balion took the next left turning he came to. He had money in his pocket, earned from the scribe work he done for Jerry. That would pay for a bottle of Blueberry wine. Julian liked Blueberry wine.

The merchants quarter of the city was as usual, busy and intriguing. The rain couldn’t mask the allure of glassed windows, each displaying its own treasured items. Tall gowns were displayed on wooden men, with hats on wooden heads. Intricately carved tables and chairs, roasted meats, swords and armour. Everywhere one looked there was something to catch the eye. Balion often spent an hour or two just walking from shop to shop, looking to see what was new on display.

There was one shop in particular that caught his eye. The same one that drew his attention every time he passed it. It only had a small display window compared to the others it lay alongside, but the objects on show were a rarity only seen in that singular window.

Above the door was a carved inscription “Charms” It read. And through the glass plane was an assortment of crystals and beads. The crystals in particular seemed to have a certain enticement to them, willing him to go and have a look.

He forced himself to look away, and carried on to the shop he was after.

As Balion moved up the street, carefully weaving in and out of passing people and carts, he felt a slight shift. A “shift” was what Balion called sensing someone manipulating forces. It was maybe a hundred feet in front. And Unless he wanted to walk all around the back streets, which he didn’t, there was no way Balion could avoid whoever was causing the shift. No doubt it was one of the students from the Hall. He did see them from time to time, but tried mainly to stay out of their way. They all seemed to have attitudes that Balion didn’t care for, and liked to favour him with unsavoury comments.

Sensing the shift from the left of the street, Balion moved over to the right.

He knew most of the students by sight, and regrettably, they knew him too.

The three who stood held pastries in hand and seemed to be overlooking the people who made their way in the rain. They stood protected with a light aquatic blue shield, making them easily distinguishable. Balion put his head down and moved on, hoping to go unrecognised.

He knew the three. They were the ones who took the most pleasure out of mocking him. No doubt they were considered bullies in the Hall. Balion did hate bullies, but dismissed theirRead the beginning to my fantasy novel? Please!! ;) Let me know what you think.?
You've worked hard on this and it shows. Consider joining a writers group where you can get more helpful feedback and advice. Do you really want to make decisions about your writing based on the advice of 13 year-olds obtained from Y/A? And be careful: these kids will lift your post and turn it in as their homework assignment in a heartbeat.



Your definitely on the right track. Good luck.
That is really really good, reminds me of a harry potter book lol just how you have the words set up, i like it :)Read the beginning to my fantasy novel? Please!! ;) Let me know what you think.?
I think its good.

Keep Going
Pretty good!!Read the beginning to my fantasy novel? Please!! ;) Let me know what you think.?
it is nice strt but bit borring maybe it is gets interesting as the story moves on but so far.................
Its too long to read! Hahah! Jk good job!!
its good, but im REALLY NOT trying to be rude or anything but it seems like your trying too hard .... what you should do is relax yourself and try to let the words flow out of you in harmony and not make them so uncomfortable. (words have feelings too, lol jk) but seriously its good dont get me wrong but, let the words flow =] ok sweet bunns lmao jk about the sweet buns thing
I almost forgot that i was reading something on y/a! it is really good and i am definitely interested. Some of the punctuation is kind of rough but other than that it is really good. It reminds me of some of the novels I like to read. You definitely have some promise!